The eyelids drowned dreamily and then shot up, at once. One more time, they went down...and popped up; this time the difference being- rapid drown and sheepish open-up. They did not wait for another second. Finally the eyelids went shut tightly. The baby shuddered her shoulder, seeking a little more space & comfort within her mom's warm arms. Spilling a nostalgic smile, the baby fell asleep before even she realized that she was fast asleep, already. The mother, planted a deep kiss on the forehead and; exhaled a long breath of satisfaction.
"Hurray, I saw it. I saw love. Thiss issss love!", I exclaimed silently and went back home. At home, like a ruminant I chewed the emotive event again, again and again. Eventually i ended up in a spell of a strange trap.
"Wait, wait... that was 'Love' but what is that, 'that'? ". Many enthusiastic answers started to flow in. Many, too many, like...
"Love is life"
"Love is God"
"Love is blind"
"Love is crazy"
"Love is a biologic sensation". On and on it went.
I knew that I was not getting there. Most of the entries were actually adjectives, a description as in 'crazy' , 'blind'. Irony is that, I was expecting a noun, a perfect noun and not the nature. I sensed as if, I was held up in a trance or a linguistic trap. I was getting distracted, slowly my thoughts circled around an uneasy and peculiar entry. It was staring and stinging me a lot and it forced me to give a second thought. "Is Love really self-less?"
When an embrace is blanketed around, when a radiant smile is shared among; I call it 'Love'. When a butcher earns for his son, when a soldier kills for his country; I still call it 'Love'. I can actually see via the word 'for', that a delicate flavor of selfishness is sprinkled upon. In fact, when seen with a magnifying glass, I can very well see that , 'core selfishness is what sugar coated and presented as love' . Selfishness that struggles to promote one's own something.
Fine then, that is not the same case always! How would I justify the situations where: I very well know that I am not the one, going to be benefited; still I do a favor to some stranger. How would I justify the act of overtaking a car, just to let them know that their door isn't locked properly? How would I justify the act of serving? Shouldn't they be included as selflessness of love? Well, I see a problem there too. "Gosh. I am so problematic!" In this case, instead of finding solace in getting something that I get, I am overwhelmed by the pleasure for giving something. Now, I snapped my head by exclaiming, "It is love, which makes yielding, a pleasure. Yielding is nothing but selflessness. So love is selfless!"
Before drawing a conclusion, a gut feeling pushed me on. May be, 'Love' pushed me to go a little further. In here, the deciphering is elusive. It is a beautifully woven state, where I find happiness not for the well-being of myself, not for someone whom I know, but for some unknown being, could even be for a different species too. But it is mysteriously true that, I put myself in the centre. I do a deed, which makes me feel better. I do not abstain the feel. Instead, I move towards a target where, I feel comfortable and cherished. May be 'love' makes me try a different cuisine, unfortunately the spices are the same. As opposed to a circumstance where, I feel happy/comfortable by making my so-called loved ones comfortable/secure; this is slightly upgraded version, wherein I feel comfortable in making myself comfortable. In short, selfishness multiplied. The same thing is applicable for previous versions too, and so the combined effect is what that makes me feel more happy for doing things for my loved ones, than when I do for someone I barely know.
Surpassing all the pain that it inflicts, when I renounce a girl for her betterment, an unique sense of escapism and self-centeredness still exists. A case where, pain becomes adorable. Not everyone should necessarily be inclined to sweet, some enjoy bitterness! A different shade, still...that is a color. A different aroma, still...that is a taste. A different level, still...self-centered. A state of mind like self-sadism where, I would feel pleasure in self-torture. The act of doing something because- 'I wanted to do', is nothing less than selfishness.
Brimming with intense yearning to 'love' somebody - is it at least selfless love? Mmm...that is not more than finding an outlet for-what I have within me. It is an urgent pressure to vent out; in some extreme cases, at the least upon a lifeless object.
The deeper and deeper I go, the more personal it is getting. I see love's raw, barbaric figure. Selfishness is very closely associated with love. As the passion for love rises up, selfishness takes up a bigger stance, but still maintains to remain unnoticed. Actually it is ignored out of deliberate ignorance.
"A tree's selfless love bores through skin, flourishes in the flesh and stops right at the centre of it's fruit."
Love is existing in a form that I assume not to be in. To put it clear, love exists in a form, I don't want it to be in! Why do I have a problem in viewing something as how it actually is? Why shouldn't I accept something happily for what it is? Who taught me to blindly say, "selfishness is bad, no matter what." ? Selfishness is core of 'love' which, I equate to the source of existence. Why cannot I allow something like "Love- because of which life is possible" to be itself?
Now that, as always, I feel love to be very beautiful - when it is naked :p!
If you like it, please pass it on.
Yours Selfishly Loving,
Arumugapradeep.Marimuthu
